Out of the five keys in my book 31 Days to a Happy Husband, the E in DREAM which is Eros is probably your husband’s favorite.

I asked sex therapists and authors Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner if I could interview them for the book.  Their classic book The Gift of Sex was among our wedding gifts in 1999.  I was so happy when they agreed.  My first question was, “How can a woman cultivate her appetite for sex?”

Their answer certainly surprised me!

“We might see it a little different than most people see it.  We would ask a different question.   We think that a woman will get with her sexuality and her desire when that doesn’t come as a demand or a pressure from the husband.  Men are trying to get it in the wrong way,” said Joyce.

“As he adores her and compliments her, connecting with her heart, than she is able to open up her body.  There is nothing that turns on a man more than a turned on woman,” said Dr. Penner.  “Men are trying to get her to do it for him.  We’re trying to get her to the place where the woman is doing it for herself.  When she is truly into it for herself, he will be happy.  There is no question about that.  If you have any doubt about that, just think about the pornography industry.  The porn industry is all about the woman behaving as if she loves it.”

Joyce says,

“Unfortunately most men think if they could just get her into more recreational sex then he would be happy.  But the more she tries to do that, the more pressure there is on her.  The more she tries to do it for him, the less she is into it for herself.  The less she is into for herself, the less turned on she is.  The less turned on she is, the less happy he is.”

“She has to believe that one, she is a sexual person and two, it is her right to be intensely sexual,” says Dr. Penner.

Wow.  That puts it in a different light doesn’t it?

If you don’t see sex as a demand from your husband or an item on the to-do list, but instead you see it as someething you need for yourself, would that make a difference in your lovelife?

Do you agree with the Penners’ advice?



Arlene Pellicane

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