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Marriage Quiz: Ask these 3 questions today

Ask these 3 questions today for a quick marriage checkup: 1. Are we laughing and having fun everyday? 2. Are we making love regularly? 3. Do I usually have an attitude of contempt or caring towards my spouse? For a resource, you can read "31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife" to become more purposeful in your marriage. A big shout out and thanks to my husband James who worked some video magic for our FB chat today and for the future!

Posted by Arlene Pellicane, Speaker & Author on Tuesday, May 28, 2019


In my book 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife, I write about the importance of being purposeful in your marriage.  Marriages usually die from neglect, from a thousand little paper cuts, instead of one big hammer blow to the heart.  We are wise to pay attention to the little details.

But life is full and we don’t often reflect on the state of our marriage union.

That’s where today comes in.  You can quickly assess the health of your marriage with these three simple questions.  Are you ready?

Question #1:  Are you regularly laughing and having fun together?  

Proverbs 17:22 says,

“A merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.”

When you laugh together every day, you are inoculating yourself from the many dangers that threaten marriages.  Bob Hope said that laughter is an “instant vacation.”  In the stress of life and family, laughter is like sunshine on a cloudy day.  You feel closer to the people you laugh with, the people who get your jokes.  One of those people should for sure be your spouse!

Before you got married, you probably laughed together every day and had lots of fun.  Keep that going.  At the end of the day, my hubby James and I lay in bed and often laugh about the funny things are kids said or fought about earlier.  We reenact moments and give our best impressions of our kiddos which always makes us laugh.  This is precious time to laugh and bond…don’t let Netflix or scrolling on your phones replace this time of connection and laughter.

Question #2: Are we making love regularly?

Romance and physical intimacy are key ingredients to a happy, strong marriage.  Generally speaking, men feel valued when their wives make love to them, and women feel valued when their husbands are emotionally close (talking and listening).  When you make love, your body releases the hormone oxytocin which bonds you together, giving you feelings of belonging and love.  God created sex in marriage to bond a couple for life.  It’s beautiful!

As my friend author and psychologist Dr. David Clarke says, “Married couples with children who don’t schedule sex, don’t have sex.”  Ha!  That’s true isn’t it?  Decide to make regular lovemaking a priority.  If this area is problematic because of pornography or other similar destructive issues, I encourage you to seek out a wise, godly marriage counselor for help.

Questions #3:  Do I usually have an attitude of contempt or caring towards my spouse?

During our dating days, I hung on every word James said and nodded with enthusiastic approval.  I’m telling you…that man could do no wrong!

Here we are 20+ years later.  Now he might say the same words but I don’t respond the same way.  I might roll my eyes at his fashion observation or think inwardly, “Well, that’s dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

We can slip into an attitude of contempt with our husbands – and that is dangerous territory.  Contempt as Dr. John Gottman describes it is “any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts yourself on a higher ground than your partner.”  Put downs will destroy the fondness and admiration between a husband and a wife.

When you find yourself feeling contempt (superiority) towards your mate, stop yourself.  Don’t let yourself get comfortable with that feeling.  When it rises up, stomp it out with appreciation.  Think about what you admire and appreciate about your husband instead.

Use these 3 questions to tune up your marriage.  They will help you stay on track and healthy in your home!

Arlene Pellicane

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